Happiness After Death
Before that lovable and crazy woman Karen Volpe, wife of Paul Preston, and who was also simultaneously in love with Director Paul Feig and Actor Bill Murray died on Christmas day, I was in a better place within myself than I had been for a long time since my mum died in June last year.
Karen Volpe had Pancreatic Cancer. I had a sense that she would die. At the same time I had that premonition, I hoped that I was wrong and that a miracle would happen for her like it had for Author Anita Moorjani who had Cancer, then a near death experience (NDE) and then came back to life, and like the miracle for Opera Singer and Author Gary Ramsey, who also had cancer and found his Bliss. Both Gary and Anita are alive, cancer free and coincidentally, neither had chemotherapy.
I thought to let everyone in on how I “live my best life”, which is pretty much openly admitting that I enjoyed being with my dead mother and if wishes were realised, I would have my dead mother “living” in my apartment right now.
For me to move on and embrace reality that living among dead people is not allowed in Australia, being happier meant that I had to conscientiously make an effort to do things that were not going to trigger my sadness and discontent but to choose to do things to uplift my spirits.
I was ready to try that and was doing that around Christmas time. I got my hair and nails done, sent cards off to people, did some Christmas gift buying and wrapped up dead mother in my burying my mother article. Then Karen Volpe died on Christmas day. I was sad and have been crying about her since Christmas.
The reason I am late with this article is that I have been writing it and deleting it. Writing real things brings me tremendous angst and relief. I wanted to write something uplifting, for me and for others, that was based on my experience and truth and was not fabricated or fiction.
I have already expressed that grief feels like madness and it is hard to control, I have worked through it, tried to express how I found being with my dead mother comforting, and now another death has occurred, only this time striking directly at the heart of my beloved Pizazz News publication.
How do I acknowledge Karen Volpe and talk about her death while also making myself happy?
And that is when I decided that what I needed to do was to stop crying and first get some sleep. I slept really well, then upon waking had breakfast, took a shower, got dressed, and just left home to go for a long walk.
I did all those things and felt so much better by the time I returned home.
When I turned on my laptop, I didn’t struggle with my writing anymore. I wasn’t worried about how my article would be perceived. I was no longer feeling like I had to just write about Karen or that I had to write something upbeat, I could write how I was, which was to acknowledge all of it AND to share this new awareness which I am about to share in the following paragraph…..
I realised, after Karen’s death, which was a disruption to my plan of moving on from my mother’s death and other shitty life events, that there is never a guarantee given by the universe of a RIGHT TIME to be happy nor a promise of a continuation of happiness. It really was something I had to mull over and accept, that I had to choose to be happier or ALLOW and let this new death sink me again. And the reason it was a choice, that it was up to me, was that l realised that life really just was not about being fair! The universe could just decide to be a bastard and make shitty things happen, one after another, after another!!
I remembered the Latin phrase; Illegitimi non carborundum or “Don’t let the bastards grind you down.”
I thought to myself,
“Self, I am going to stop crying and just extend the time I do this article so I can articulate my thoughts honestly. I need to sleep and do normal things. I can’t weep and type, ridiculous! Stop this nonsense!!”
I realised I was not being productive because I had failed to deliver an article on time and the reason I couldn’t was because I allowed grief to overwhelm me.
However, it also was productive because had I not tested out the theory of choosing happiness by looking after and loving myself when I clearly needed to, how else was I going to sit down and nut this out?
I did my article, you are reading it, and it is honest and truthful and I consider that a success, real news, and that is what Pizazz News is.
I can’t bring Karen back from the dead but I will remember her and I will now be playing Karen Volpe songs as well as George Michael songs for extra weepy effects on Christmas Day alongside Mariah Carey and the Village People. I will totally purchase one of those Bill Murray t-shirts that say, “Billeve” or Karen Volpe’s now infamous quote; “Always be producing.” I will see Paul Fieg’s Last Christmas, it will be spectacular! I will watch Ghostbusters Afterlife and enjoy it, and I will see more Bill Murray films.
This has been the first person on Pizazz News I have interviewed who has died of cancer but, there are others I have interviewed who have NOT died and they had cancer. There has also been a survivor of a heart attack, Colin Quinn, and many survivors who have been through a tsunami of heart-breaks and shitty audition processes.
In closing, what I would like people to take away and give consideration to is that just because one is ready to start their happiness, to “live their best life”, doesn’t necessarily mean that the universe or God or whatever science one worships is not going to deliver more shit and grief to your universe.
I also realised, the sooner one laughs at the universe for being a dick/twat by making it rain on your “best life ever”, the sooner one can go to sleep, wake-up (hopefully) have breakfast, take a shower, go for a walk and then carry on. And if people accuse you of not being caring or of being selfish just remember that they usually want you to do something for them and so it is up to you whether you do or don’t.
Sometimes we do things for others because we like what they are doing or we like them as people. Other times we are drained from doing for others and would like others to support us. Being a kind person doesn’t mean you can’t be kind to yourself. It doesn’t mean I deserve anyone’s aggression or unkindness for not acting a certain way.
Love yourself and simply do things that are good for you without hurting others.
To everyone on Pizazz News and who reads Pizazz News, I wish you every happiness and Bliss in 2020. May you have all the success and happiness humanely possible and thank-you for your love and support not just for me but for the people I support and promote.
Sending Much Love and Many Blessings,