Meaningful and Authentic Connections are

Our Greatest Source of Happiness.

 

Unhurt, untraumatized and totally trusting people who will give us everything we want and do everything we ask or expect, who exceed our wildest dreams and never do or say anything to disappoint or upset us are not real people but a fantasy we have in our minds that can prevent our happiness.

 

It is extremely difficult to know what another person is thinking and the only way any one of us can learn about another person is if they are being truthful with us.

 

People are not always completely honest with each other, and sometimes that is because we are afraid of how another person will respond to what we have to say.

It makes sense that we would feel betrayed when someone lets us down. And for this reason, women and men are reluctant to trust people unconditionally. Feeling betrayed is not a positive feeling, it creates mistrust and makes us doubt people’s intentions towards us.

Trust is something that makes people feel safe and secure enough to let their guard down and be honest about who they are, what they really think, how they feel, and it is the reason why we value one person over another.

If someone told us that they don’t see a problem with telling a joke, or playing mind games, because it’s just for a laugh, or they think they are being funny, we would have problems trusting that person because we may not be able to tell if they are being truthful or not.

It doesn’t matter if they say they won’t do it to us, the doubt already exists because of the person’s lack of remorse, or, their inability to see the “wrongness” or moral problem of their actions towards us. They are more interested in themselves being funny then being sensitive and responsive to our discomfort.

The truth is that people lie, manipulate and cheat because it serves their own interests.

More worrying though, is that people can find reasons and excuses to justify to themselves that their actions are not wrong, and in doing this, convince themselves, and even others, that they are acting without fault.

Would we do something that made us feel awful or guilty or bad about ourselves if we believed what we were doing was wrong?

Serial killers and rapists, pedophiles, and other deviants, would not be capable of committing heinous acts on others if it didn’t feel good to them.

In saying that, there are instances where people stop themselves from acting on their impulses or they decide against taking a life, or minimize the hurt or torture they inflict in a way that makes them feel “merciful” or “good”.

But what about other people, like us, who love to listen to crime podcasts, or who watch Horror or documentaries on Netflix, Binge, Stan, or Disney + about serial killers?

I have thought about my own awful behaviour, and how I have been successfully able to rationalize this to myself, when I retaliated to a wrong that was done against me.

And the only reason I felt genuinely remorseful was because I do not want to be a person who is vindictive, petty, and unkind to another human.

I already know that the other person is flawed, imperfect, and will without question make mistakes and hurt my feelings again, because that is all of us.

I remember a very touching experience on my recent holiday where my friend was in tears, because she had hurt my feelings and felt bad about that, and because we are such close friends, we know each other so well, she was hurting too. I felt that I was also responsible and apologized, because it hurt me to see her cry and because I care very deeply for her. Even though we drive each other mad at times and don’t agree about everything,  I mean we have huge differences about everything from God, (I believe, she thinks not a chance) to our taste in fashion, ( I am all for the dramatic and she doesn’t really care for flair), I am flexible in accommodation ( I have lived in a ghetto with crack heads so I don’t worry about modern or heritage), our differences don’t matter because there is genuine respect, affection and trust between us. Our bond is so strong that I will drop everything if she truly needs me, and she will do the same for me.

I am someone who just isn’t interested in investing much of my time with people who are not prepared to be genuine, authentic, and who pose a harmful threat to my state of emotional and physical well-being.

I have had enough hardship and trauma in my life, I am not a therapist, and I am not going to make anyone do what they don’t want to do.

However, I am also not going to do what others want me to do unless I believe it is fair and reasonable.

It actually breaks my heart to have to write any of this, but I am who I am, I accept that people are not always fair and reasonable but I really would be very happy if I could change that. And it is this hope that I have in my heart which compels me to put any kind of effort and keep trying, because sometimes I really don’t feel like it.

My capacity to handle drama, control freaks, manipulators and people who think I am too up myself, or too outspoken, or too harsh, or too crazy, or not that great, is not very high. And the reason for that is that I don’t need to have people liking me to like myself. I will also share, because she said I could, that my friend is “the Queen” of can’t be bothered!

I have minimum real-life interactions with people that make me feel awful or unwelcome, because I do not need their negativity or judgement. It is far too much emotional work to have people around me if this is the way they make me feel.

And this is also the reason why I don’t get satisfaction or learn much from having disconnected or superficial experiences with people. I won’t invest or engage with this because it is purposeless to me. And if I have to engage in continuous meaningless chit chat and not get underneath the surface and really know someone, I will not be able to connect with that person in a meaningful way.

This is the reason why I invest my time and energy into meaningful and authentic connections, they just make me so much happier and enrich my life.

 

Thanks for reading.

Natasha Stone