Toxic Insecurity

Toxic Insecurity


 “There is no greater suffering than constantly measuring yourself and coming up short, except perhaps the realization that your suffering is hurting others. But where do we learn these things? Because, really, they are learned. We don’t come crying out of the womb because of our birth weight or because we have no money in this brand new world. We learn to measure and we learn to attach our self-worth to those measurements.”

― Vironika Tugaleva


The Cambridge English Dictionary describes insecurity as follows;


Insecurity noun (LACK OF CONFIDENCE)


  1. A feeling of lacking confidence and not being sure of your own abilities or of whether people like you.


  1. The quality of not being safe or strong.


Toxic (adjective)



Toxic insecurity is something that affects many of us and can induce us to project our own feelings of inadequacy onto other people. Insecurity is not bad per se because if we didn’t have at least one shred of doubt about our greatness or if we never struggled to question some aspect of our divinity, we might all turn into psychopathic narcissists, if we are not that already.

Toxic insecurity is not always something that is instantaneously noticeable; such as the person who drinks their feelings every day, and it isn’t just a masculine trait but a feminine one too.

Toxic insecurity can manifest itself across the breath-taking gamete of human expressions from the buoyantly loud right down to the quietly reserved.

We can’t always know for certain if someone or something is toxic to us but we can know almost definitively when they (or the object or situation) directly impacts us through our health, or in our life, which is affected in some obvious and negative way. This is what makes it ‘poisonous’ to us.

Even if we had the benefit of having giant posters with the word POISON written across, and bolded in capital letters as reminders not to do something we certainly know was not good for us, there are still so very many of us who would still willingly self-harm or give others our permission to harm us.

The fact we humans came up with the slogan that something will ‘kill us slowly’ (smoking, drinking) hasn’t stopped many of us from partaking. I don’t smoke anymore but I used to be a smoker and I loved dragging on a lit cigarette deeply and filling my lungs up with poison. I knew what the science was saying; that smoking has been linked to cancer but I didn’t really KNOW it or FEEL it on a visceral level until I did and when I did, I stopped smoking.

My dependence on something that was poisonous and not good for me in any way is a crystal clear example of toxic insecurity.

When it comes to toxic insecurity in other people, we can recognise this through examining how we are feeling towards other people’s actions or the manner in which they are communicating with us. If those interactions don’t make us feel good or appear artificial then that should be solid enough. It really is all we need to know.

In wrapping up this discussion about toxic insecurity, we can go ahead and do things we know aren’t conducive to a high quality life, we can take that further and shorten our life and allow people into our lives who are not beneficial to us in true or meaningful ways.  Change is never easy and difficult, if not impossible, until we truly desire change on a deeper and more authentic level.

Natasha Stone