Unhappily Married People
Get a divorce already and stop making my ears bleed.

Written by

Cat

&

Bex

 

Cat: Unhappily married people not only make each other suffer but they like to let everyone else in on the minutest of details of their day to day experiences of their shitty marriage/partnership to get the sympathy /attention that they are not getting at home from their sweethearts. Seriously, go and ring a help-line or pay a psychiatrist to drag out your bullshit ‘partnership’ for as long as humanely/inhumanely possible before someone, (ME), screams, ‘I CAN’T DO THIS ANYMORE’ or ‘I’M NOT A CELEBRITY SO GET ME OUTTA HERE.’ I am so over married men and women unleashing their fucked up situation on me or thinking it is just fascinating stuff that ‘Sandra’, or ‘Danny’ (fictional names – inspired from the film GREASE) ‘has everything they could possibly want’ but still is ‘depressed, angry or unsatisfied’ somehow. (Oh God – I want to let rip a giant and deafening fart from my vadge and arse at the same time.) No-one thinks for a minute you have a great marriage, Ok? We can all tell how shitty it is but we say nothing because by allowing you to unleash your trivial version of events we know you will eventually run out of breath and get to the end of your stupid merry go-round ‘period- drama’ which you are so fond of rehashing, and eventually, you will shut the fuck up about it. Grow a pair of tits and/or a vagina. I would tell you to get a penis-pump but I suspect you have tried that already because you seem like the type that would invest an inordinately generous amount of time and money thinking it’s your dick, paying professionals to pretend how ‘great you are’, when it is SO MANY other things about you – such as your narcissism, which gives non-menopausal women dry-ons and just makes us want to head to the island Lesbos in droves or wherever the hell Wonder Woman is from. Guys like you seriously make me want to take on huge amounts of debt to get Acting Master-Classes with Al-Pacino, Meryl Streep and Geoffrey Rush so I can Method Act and make a serious life-long commitment to embracing a hard-core lesbian lifestyle; the type that Ellen DeGeneres and K.D Lang enjoy. Those women are FUCKING HAPPY, and GAY.

 

Bex: Worse, you can’t even tell women that their husband has made a pass at you because you know they will think you are making it all up, or they think you are jelly! Oh yes, I am so jealous – I wish I had your disgusting, ugly, inconsiderate, sleazy scumbag of a husband try to hit me up for 20 seconds of vanilla sex, that sounds so special – that he would use your friend to punish you emotionally. Nightmare on Elm Street has nothing on this. I would choose being finger banged by Freddy Krueger over this suburban middle-class- non-ending charade that has been playing out for what feels like centuries.

 

Cat: You make my ears bleed with your tales of woe. Either be grateful for what you have or move the fuck on. You are not living in an arranged marriage situation from some third world provincial catastrophe. You are not a child bride and knew exactly what you got yourself into. This is all your choice. So fuck it – don’t ring me or message me with your invitations to your fancy BBQs because the entire scene, plus your leafy garden salad which is more just abortioned lettuce than anything else, sucks. I would rather bite my own toenails off and chew through electric wiring. Is there anything more appalling than watching ‘happy couples’ think they are doing a neat job of convincing people how ‘in-love’ and happy they are? Sorry, but not sorry.